Another Plebiscite Blog Post

Photo by Peter Hershey on Unsplash

The Marriage Equality Postal Plebiscite is big news at the  moment. Big news. Not a day goes by, it seems, without a minimum of one news article, five blog posts, and at least a hundred heated debates on the social medias. It’s the thing that Australia is talking about.

There are plenty of people with social media platforms far greater than my own that are publishing well researched, balanced, and supportive opinion pieces on the subject. And my own views on the subject are pretty clear:

rainbow flag1
I’m not sure if I can make it any clearer than that.

So, I’m not going to jump on my soapbox, and subject any person who happens to stumble upon my blog, to a lengthy essay on my own opinions on the matter. They are pretty much the same as every other left wing, socially progressive person’s opinions anyway, which means you have probably heard them all before. I’m really not. I promise.

Instead, in light of the recent news that Pauline Hanson would like a plebiscite on whether or not to “ban the burqa“, I have decided to compile a list of very serious incredibly trivial issues that are mostly a matter of personal preference, that I would like to see polled via postal plebiscite. These are issues close to my heart*. Issues that, unlike choice in headdress, and the marriage of people who are not me, effect my day to day life in meaningful some ways:

Pineapple on pizza: Yay or Nay?

I’m loud and proud on this one: pineapple will always have a place on my pizza. From a practical perspective, chucking a few slices of Golden Circle’s finest amongst the capsicum and mushrooms allows me to mentally tick “fed kids veg AND fruit” off my list of parenting wins at meal time. Pineapple is the perfect sweetness to balance an anchovy, and the ideal accompaniment to the sauce on a BBQ chicken pizza. I’m not even sure that I know people who don’t pineapple their pizza. Do they really exist? A couple of hundred million on a plebiscite is the only way we will ever know.

pizza test
I disagree.

Diet Coke vs. Coke Zero vs. New No Sugar

I have to admit, I’m on the fence with this one. Diet Coke is essentially a small can of carbonated disappointment, however new No Sugar is mighty pleasant. And Coke Zero has been my soft drink of choice for as long as I can remember. As a sleep deprived shift working parent, I am rarely far from some form of caffeinated, carbonate, sugar free beverage. This debate has the potential to be as heated and divisive as the great “Coke vs. Pepsi” of the 20th century. The future of the nation might well depend on the outcome of this potential plebiscite.

Ford vs. Holden

Would you like your four tyres, steering wheel, air conditioning, and engine, to come with a blue ‘Ford’ badge, or a red ‘Holden’ badge? I couldn’t give two fucks, but thousands apparently could. I have vague, drunken memories of this debate causing heated verbal arguments when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I mean, I own a Holden, and I like it a lot, but I don’t actually care. I would like it just as much if it were a Ford. Or a Hyundai.

ford holden
I mean, I get it. But I don’t get it.

Should Australians call it ‘Soccer’ or ‘Football’?

This is something I would really like an answer to. If I call it ‘soccer’, purists haughtily correct me, as my colonial term for the greatest sport on earth is apparently offensive and uneducated. However, if I call it ‘football’, people seem to think I am talking about any number of other sports, all of which are called football by Australians. I’m not the only one confused, either: the club I play for is also unable to decide, and has instead been labelled ‘SFC’- as in Soccer/Football club. Could somebody please help me, I have no idea. I just want to head down on the weekend, and kick the damn ball around. Malcolm Turnbull, we need answers, and we need them now. Plebiscite postal vote, stat!

AFL or NRL- which is the true football of Australia?

Admittedly another one I don’t really care about, however I would have to vote NRL, because I vaguely understand the rules and at least know the names of the teams. Also, I got drunk on the hill at Shark Park so many times when I was in high school, so I have some loyalty to the many fans who kindly purchased 17 year old me many beers on many occasions. Thanks, guys! AFL confuses the fuck out of me. Why is the field round? Why so many goal posts? Why so many umpires? What is going on? I don’t understand. Also, on the few occasions I actually attended an AFL game under-aged, not one person bought me a VB**. Not one. Thanks for nothing. Sheesh.

This plebiscite could potentially cost Australians $525 million. That is an awful lot of moolah to invest into a time waste of a vote that is non-binding, and offers no guarantee of a definitive outcome. And honestly, unless you are a person who wants to get married, but is currently legally unable to do so for no reason other than the gender of the person that you happen to love, what the hell does it have to do with you anyway?

Vote Yes.

*These are not issues close to my heart. I lied. So ner.

**I have been advised by a colleague that I would be likely served Carlton Draught at an AFL match. I would have known this, if anyone in 1998 had been willing to help a thirsty teenager out.


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