Potty Mouth

No f#%ks were given. Not this day, not ever
No f#%ks were given. Not this day, not ever

I have a tendency towards profanity. I’m quite fond of a good swear word. I manage to drop a few expletives into at least one sentence every day. I see no harm in the occasional “F” bomb. Truthfully, I have no issue with the odd “S” and “C” bomb either. To me, they are just words. And I make no apologies about this.

My children, being the offspring of two parents who are not afraid of the odd four letter word, have unsurprisingly dropped one or two in their brief time on earth, too. And, after laughing at the hilarity of such vulgar words coming from such tiny mouths, my husband and I always explain to our children that swear words are ‘grown up words’, which are generally not to be uttered by small children, much like Coke and beer are ‘grown up drinks’, and condoms are ‘grown up balloons*’. We do not however, punish our children for swearing, nor do we make a big deal out of them using such words. To my mind, there are far worse words, that are far more hurtful. There are actions and phrases that are much more despicable to my mind than saying ‘shit’. So in our house, we have an alternative list. Some are frivolous words that simply make me cringe, others are things that will truly lead to some form of disciplinary action in our household. So, in no particular order, I present to you “Rissa’s list of no-no words”.

Shit. It happens. Bae.
Shit. It happens. Bae.

1) ‘Moist’. OK, so my kids don’t get in trouble using this word. But it is cringe-worthy. It’s right up there with cotton wool balls in the list of things I hate to think about.

2) ‘Moot’ (sounds like foot). I hate, hate, HATE this word. I cannot think of any word I am less likely to use in reference to my vagina. I once heard a male in a nightclub refer to a female on the dance floor as having “a face like a dirty moot.” I knew neither the girl nor her vagina, but I was pretty tempted to break a chair over the guy’s head.

3) Any derogatory word pertaining to one’s sexuality. You know the ones. The words that I still hear teens and young adults throw around. Words that insinuate that a person is less of a person, or less worthy of respect, because of their sexuality. It’s 2015, not 1951. Shaming people using derogatory terms about sexuality is not cool.

4) Any word, phrase, or stereotype relating to a person’s ethnicity. Things like “all {insert ethnicity here} can’t drive cars”, or “he’s good at maths, because he’s {insert ethnicity here}.” Not only are these stereotypes patently untrue, they are casual racism at it’s finest, and they are commonly heard from even the least racist people around me. Slang nouns, for example the “N” word, are BIG TIME swear words in my house. I’m not sure if any child of mine would make it out of the naughty corner ever again if I heard them say something like that.

5) ‘Fat’, when used as a negative adjective. Actually, any word that is used to negatively talk about an individual’s size. I know first-hand how demoralising body-shaming can be. I was bullied for my appearance and weight for much of my early teen years, and I still deal with the after effects of it now. My kids and I talk about being “healthy”, “fit” and “active”. I do not tell my children that “eating this will make you fat”, nor do I talk about the size of people as if it is a meaningful representation of their worth. Because it isn’t. It is important to me that my children see the person for their qualities, not for their size or appearance.

6) Any derogatory word that labels a person by their religion. Any religion. We live in a multicultural, multi-faith community. I have friends from many different faith backgrounds. So do my kids. We are a non-religious household, however my children are free to explore and discover their own spirituality when the time comes.

7) ‘Stupid’. In my house, this is the real ‘S’ word. I don’t think that any person is stupid. I know people who struggled academically, yet excel in creative and technical fields. Not everyone is going to fit the mould when it comes to standardised education, but that does not mean that they are stupid. I would 100% rather my daughter complain that a mean boy called her a shithead than ‘stupid’.

8) ‘Yum’. How many times on social media have you read a post that goes like this: “My hunky man made me the yummiest dinner tonight. Yummy roast chicken and veg, with yummy wine, followed by the yummiest chocolate cake with ice cream for dessert! It was so yum! YUM!” Seriously, I get it. The food was good. Delicious, even. Delectable. It was tasty, mouth watering, divine, heavenly, nectarous. Yum is seriously one of the most overused food descriptors I have ever come across. It’s barely even a WORD, for crying out loud.

9) ‘Va-jay-jay’. It’s. A. Vagina. Say it. Learn to love it. Half the world has one, we might as well get comfortable with it. Imagine if we went around referring to penises as ‘pe-ni-ni’?

10)’Bae’. *puts on granny pants* I don’t get it. I don’t like it. According to several online sources, it’s the Danish word for poop. You are calling your loved ones a piece of shit. I don’t want my loved ones calling me a piece of shit. This word has no place in my house.

So there it is, folks. Perhaps I am unconventional. Perhaps I’m raising rude little shits. But if my rude little shits treat people with respect and dignity, and use imaginative language to describe the pleasure they take in their food, I feel I am getting something right. Not everything. But something.

She always makes him play Anna.
She always makes him play Anna.

*I have actually had to explain this to my four year old. He *shudder* found an open one in a park, and ran to grab it. “Look mummy! A balloon! I want a balloon!” Grown up balloon was the first thing that came to mind, and the fastest way I could think of to deter him from touching it.

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