Potty Mouth

No f#%ks were given. Not this day, not ever
No f#%ks were given. Not this day, not ever

I have a tendency towards profanity. I’m quite fond of a good swear word. I manage to drop a few expletives into at least one sentence every day. I see no harm in the occasional “F” bomb. Truthfully, I have no issue with the odd “S” and “C” bomb either. To me, they are just words. And I make no apologies about this.

My children, being the offspring of two parents who are not afraid of the odd four letter word, have unsurprisingly dropped one or two in their brief time on earth, too. And, after laughing at the hilarity of such vulgar words coming from such tiny mouths, my husband and I always explain to our children that swear words are ‘grown up words’, which are generally not to be uttered by small children, much like Coke and beer are ‘grown up drinks’, and condoms are ‘grown up balloons*’. We do not however, punish our children for swearing, nor do we make a big deal out of them using such words. To my mind, there are far worse words, that are far more hurtful. There are actions and phrases that are much more despicable to my mind than saying ‘shit’. So in our house, we have an alternative list. Some are frivolous words that simply make me cringe, others are things that will truly lead to some form of disciplinary action in our household. So, in no particular order, I present to you “Rissa’s list of no-no words”.

Shit. It happens. Bae.
Shit. It happens. Bae.

1) ‘Moist’. OK, so my kids don’t get in trouble using this word. But it is cringe-worthy. It’s right up there with cotton wool balls in the list of things I hate to think about.

2) ‘Moot’ (sounds like foot). I hate, hate, HATE this word. I cannot think of any word I am less likely to use in reference to my vagina. I once heard a male in a nightclub refer to a female on the dance floor as having “a face like a dirty moot.” I knew neither the girl nor her vagina, but I was pretty tempted to break a chair over the guy’s head.

3) Any derogatory word pertaining to one’s sexuality. You know the ones. The words that I still hear teens and young adults throw around. Words that insinuate that a person is less of a person, or less worthy of respect, because of their sexuality. It’s 2015, not 1951. Shaming people using derogatory terms about sexuality is not cool.

4) Any word, phrase, or stereotype relating to a person’s ethnicity. Things like “all {insert ethnicity here} can’t drive cars”, or “he’s good at maths, because he’s {insert ethnicity here}.” Not only are these stereotypes patently untrue, they are casual racism at it’s finest, and they are commonly heard from even the least racist people around me. Slang nouns, for example the “N” word, are BIG TIME swear words in my house. I’m not sure if any child of mine would make it out of the naughty corner ever again if I heard them say something like that.

5) ‘Fat’, when used as a negative adjective. Actually, any word that is used to negatively talk about an individual’s size. I know first-hand how demoralising body-shaming can be. I was bullied for my appearance and weight for much of my early teen years, and I still deal with the after effects of it now. My kids and I talk about being “healthy”, “fit” and “active”. I do not tell my children that “eating this will make you fat”, nor do I talk about the size of people as if it is a meaningful representation of their worth. Because it isn’t. It is important to me that my children see the person for their qualities, not for their size or appearance.

6) Any derogatory word that labels a person by their religion. Any religion. We live in a multicultural, multi-faith community. I have friends from many different faith backgrounds. So do my kids. We are a non-religious household, however my children are free to explore and discover their own spirituality when the time comes.

7) ‘Stupid’. In my house, this is the real ‘S’ word. I don’t think that any person is stupid. I know people who struggled academically, yet excel in creative and technical fields. Not everyone is going to fit the mould when it comes to standardised education, but that does not mean that they are stupid. I would 100% rather my daughter complain that a mean boy called her a shithead than ‘stupid’.

8) ‘Yum’. How many times on social media have you read a post that goes like this: “My hunky man made me the yummiest dinner tonight. Yummy roast chicken and veg, with yummy wine, followed by the yummiest chocolate cake with ice cream for dessert! It was so yum! YUM!” Seriously, I get it. The food was good. Delicious, even. Delectable. It was tasty, mouth watering, divine, heavenly, nectarous. Yum is seriously one of the most overused food descriptors I have ever come across. It’s barely even a WORD, for crying out loud.

9) ‘Va-jay-jay’. It’s. A. Vagina. Say it. Learn to love it. Half the world has one, we might as well get comfortable with it. Imagine if we went around referring to penises as ‘pe-ni-ni’?

10)’Bae’. *puts on granny pants* I don’t get it. I don’t like it. According to several online sources, it’s the Danish word for poop. You are calling your loved ones a piece of shit. I don’t want my loved ones calling me a piece of shit. This word has no place in my house.

So there it is, folks. Perhaps I am unconventional. Perhaps I’m raising rude little shits. But if my rude little shits treat people with respect and dignity, and use imaginative language to describe the pleasure they take in their food, I feel I am getting something right. Not everything. But something.

She always makes him play Anna.
She always makes him play Anna.

*I have actually had to explain this to my four year old. He *shudder* found an open one in a park, and ran to grab it. “Look mummy! A balloon! I want a balloon!” Grown up balloon was the first thing that came to mind, and the fastest way I could think of to deter him from touching it.

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Let them eat cake!

Cake! They said
Cake! They said

It’s school holidays at the moment, which means that I have an extra child to entertain during the day. Which is really not that big a deal, my eldest is a pretty easy-care kind of kid. But when you add my shift working job into it, sometimes it feels like a two week period of shoddy parenting and crappy attempts at school’s out fun.

I had big plans today. I was going to make popcorn, drag out the mattresses, and let the kids have a ‘day at the movies’, complete with milkshakes, grilled cheese, and maybe even some chocolates. I let them stay in their pyjamas until lunchtime. ┬áIt’s my go-to pre-night shift activity- the kids have fun, and if I am really lucky, I get to sneak in a snooze on the couch while they ‘Let it go’ for the 560000th time. I was going to top it off with a trip to the park, and it was going to be awesome.

And then the internet broke.

No Netflix. NO NETFLIX. And, for the life of me, I couldn’t make the media server boot either, so no movies. Disaster!

So I asked the kids what else they would like to do. Daniel told me that he wanted to ride a dinosaur. Phoebe suggested ice skating, which was slightly more realistic, but still not possible considering that Jared can barely walk. So we sat, dejected and bored, until a light bulb went on in my brain.

“Do you guys want to make cupcakes? I’ll let you get all my icing out, and you can make your own decorations?”

Success.

The kids unanimously agreed that chocolate cake was the flavour of the day. With the power of 4G and my trusty smartphone, I managed to find this simple recipe, which consisted of ingredients that were easily located within our cupboards. Eggs were cracked, milk measured, ingredients stirred, and tastes stolen by small people with sneaky fingers. Jared assisted as one year olds do, attempting to spice up the recipe with various non food items. Chocolate-perfume cake, anyone?

Dan the man, hard at work
Dan the man, hard at work

With the cupcakes in the oven, I set the kids up with some fondant and some cookie cutters. For a good twenty minutes, the older two sat happily and created various things. “It’s just like play-dough!” Phoebe exclaimed while decorating a butterfly, “except it tastes HEAPS better!”

Phoebe in the process of creating her masterpieces
Phoebe in the process of creating her masterpieces

Once baked and cooled, we whipped up some simple chocolate icing- icing mixture, cocoa, a little butter. I made the icing super thick, and then zapped it in the microwave for a minute. This melts the sugar and makes it easy for little people to ice the cakes by simply dipping them into the mixture and swishing them around. It is the quickest way to ice cupcakes, and it makes them look all shiny and smooth on top- just like they are in a bakery. I set the kids up with five cakes each, and let them go crazy decorating them however they deemed appropriate. The results: ten of the most over decorated, sugar coated cake items that the world has ever seen.

So. Much. Sugar.
So. Much. Sugar.

We celebrated our success with a walk in the sunshine to the park. We kicked a ball, ran around, and had ‘funny walk’ races. I let them win, I swear. Once sufficiently exhausted, they tucked into their creations, in the sun, on the grass. They were sated, I was satisfied.

One must inspect their art, before consuming their art.
One must inspect their art, before consuming their art.

Sometimes, the simplest activities are the most enjoyable. There was no fancy food, no fashionable desserts. No money spent. But my goodness, today was so lovely.

Consuming a job well done is most satisfying. Especially when you get to do it in a park.
Consuming a job well done is most satisfying. Especially when you get to do it in a park.